she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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