new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
