4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
