Please don't use social media to get back at me.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
