im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Slut skills are useful in every country.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
