Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
