think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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