3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
