alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i believe in u and ur pee
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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