My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
