so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize