so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
