I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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