OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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