I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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