we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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