omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
