woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
