also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
