dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
