Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
