Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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