your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize