seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
