I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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