If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
