No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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