So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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