My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
