2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
