Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
