I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
