I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
