i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
