ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
