I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Randomize
