Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize