My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
