so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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