My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
