no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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