I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
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