while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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