ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
