you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
