There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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