i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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