He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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