Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
