I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
