On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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