i permit you to call me
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My life is pants optional.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
