sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
