You left your underwear on the fireplace
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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