I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
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