Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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