so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
