I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
