So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
